I have heard those six words and the verse that follows them from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 at almost every wedding I’ve attended. It was read at our wedding, and I’d bet it was read at my parents’ wedding too. It’s a good verse to start married life thinking about, encouraging us not to keep records of wrongs or be easily angered.
And it’s a good one to return to as the years roll by, when you get frustrated that your spouse didn’t remember to empty his pockets and you’ve washed a whole bunch of Taco Bell napkins and what looks to be a twenty-dollar bill. Or when you confess you’ve lost your car keys again and you both pull the house apart before finding them next to the Cheerios in the cereal cupboard.
Some days it’s hard not to dig out the marital scorecard and mentally skim through the list of things that you wish your loved one had done differently. I’m sure most of us have a few items on there. Some are even funny, like the time my husband decided to cut his own hair and we had a big dinner party to go to that evening.
But what doesn’t get written down on that card are all the tiny, beautiful moments we take for granted each day because our loved ones are here with us now, walking this life together.
I had coffee this week with a friend, whose husband died almost two years ago. She said she was marinating a pork roast the other day and just yelled out in the kitchen, “I’m so angry you’re not here,” because he had always been there, helping her each day, joining in to make the meal, cleaning up, just doing what needed to get done — a partner in the kitchen and in life.
I am lucky in this job (and in my own family) to witness couples who have spent 50, 60, and sometimes even 70, years together. I am sure after so many decades, the scorecard of marital gripes gets lost in a junk drawer under a pile of rubber bands and old pens. You couldn’t make it 70 years together holding grudges.
While some parts of life get easier to navigate as we get older, other parts can get much harder. And sometimes the road you think you are on together takes an unexpected, rocky detour.
A few days ago, I sat in a conference room as a care team at the rehabilitation center told a woman it wouldn’t be a good idea for her husband to go back home. His physical care needs had grown too great, his dementia was kicking in and even the plan for assisted living was probably not the best choice anymore. She sat there, listening quietly to this tough news, her husband in a wheelchair beside her, staring straight ahead.
The team continued to review the care they’d been giving and what progress they were seeing. The husband raised his hand as if to ask them a question, but instead turned to his wife to check on how she was doing.
“Are you okay?” he asked, and those simple words felt heavy in the room. We were all quiet for a moment. “I’m okay,” she told him.
I thought about the courage and absolute love it must take to do what is heartbreaking yet best for your spouse, to agree to live apart after so many years together.
It’s a reminder that the love we celebrate each Valentine’s Day is so much bigger than the roses and chocolates and romantic cards we give to each other. Love is being there for the hard times and heartbreak that creep into all our lives at some point.
“Love is patient, love is kind…it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.”