I got a text the other day from a Canadian friend I hadn’t talked to in a long time and hadn’t seen in person for thirteen years. Kimberly was going to be in Arizona for the weekend, joining her husband on a business trip, and wanted to know how far away I lived from Phoenix. I wrote her back quickly, assuring her that I’d drive anywhere in Arizona to see her, even if it was just for a few precious hours.
Over the next couple of days, I thought about how long it had been and how little effort I had made to keep the relationship going. She was one of my first friends when I moved to Canada. When I married Mike, she and her future husband were part of the small group we had at our home wedding. I had visited a few times after we moved back to the U.S., but the years had flown by and we lost touch, other than a quick Facebook post or text. I was so glad she had reached out to me, and I was excited to catch up, even if I felt guilty about how much I didn’t know about her life.
The beauty of a good friend is that years can go by and it seems like no time has passed when you get together. We talked for hours, first on a restaurant patio, eating dinner under the heat lamps of a cool Phoenix night, and later in the hotel room, pushing past the jet lag she was feeling to talk and laugh about our lives. At one point, she said something that poked at my heart: “When you moved away it felt like I lost my sister.” I guess it never sunk in how much our friendship meant to both of us until she said those words. I was sad about the lost years, but grateful to be with her now.
The next morning, we tried hiking at Papago Park, both of us wearing shoes that were barely up to the job, but marveling at the interesting rocks and scenery in the heart of a big city. And then I dropped her back at her hotel and said goodbye again, for what I am determined will be a much shorter time. So many things can pop up in our lives and push friendships to the backburner: health, money, work, kids, ailing parents, and in the last few years, Covid restrictions.
We have plenty of ways to connect with each other, so there shouldn’t be an excuse for losing touch. But sometimes the ways of staying connected can feel overwhelming – social media posts and messages, endless texts, and cell phones that never stop beeping or ringing. It’s easy to want to tune it all out and put off getting together until a later date because life’s been too crazy and you’re worn out.
But friendships, like gardens, need to be tended to if you want to keep them going. Spending the day with Kimberly reminded me how important it is to make an effort, and appreciate the history and memories of the times we’ve had together while working to have new, fresh adventures in the years ahead.
This week I got a text from another friend from my past. We text from time to time and have been meaning to talk on the phone, but you know my story by now–life and work got in the way. Something she wrote in the text made me decide to pick up the phone and call her, even though I was tired from a long day. We talked awkwardly for a few minutes, both of us surprised to hear each other’s voices, I think. But by the time we said good-bye, she made a promise to fly out and see me. It’s been ten years, but I suspect it will feel like no time at all when we finally do get together.
As we head into the holiday season, I hope you’ll join me and reach out to the people you love and miss, even if it feels like an awkward amount of time has passed. I can almost guarantee you’ll both be glad you did. And I can’t think of a better Christmas gift to give or receive than rebuilding a friendship.