The blue and yellow strips of paper chains are starting to grow around the Christmas tree in our Marley House chapel. The yellow strips have names carefully written on them: Grandma, Uncle John, Russ, Dorothy, Missy, Kate, Dad. On the blue strips are memories of these folks, handwritten with love and connected by grief in one big chain wrapping the tree. A few are written by kids, stick-figure drawings illustrating the memories they are sharing of a favorite grandparent. A couple of dogs are there too, sweet notes about the smiling faces and wagging tails that brought so much joy during their short lives.
It’s a reminder that even during this “most wonderful time of the year” there is also sadness and loss, often invisible, in the hearts of the people all around us. It may be the fresh hurt of a first Christmas without a beloved spouse, or the death of a child that makes the sights and sounds of the season feel heavy and joyless. Or the aching loneliness of a dozen years since the person you loved most was around to celebrate and spend time with you.
A decade ago, I attended a training with Dr. Alan Wolfelt, director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition. One thing I remember in particular was the “Under Reconstruction” pins he had for sale. By wearing the pin, you are encouraging people to ask you what it means, which gives you a chance to share that you are mourning the loss of someone you love and to talk about them, sharing who they were and what they meant to you. He explained that we used to have protocols, like wearing all-black clothes for a certain period, to let people around us know we had experienced the death of someone important to us. Not only did it signal that a person was in mourning, it gave people around them a chance to offer support and talk about the loved one who had died.
Life moves faster now, and we don’t follow the same traditions we did even fifty years ago. There may be a post on social media sharing the news of someone’s death, or a group email sent, like the announcements I get from the state Lions Club sharing the passing of a long-time Lions Club member. Or the text from a high school friend the other day about a classmate who died, which sent me scurrying to Facebook to find out when and what happened.
Sometimes there’s no news at all, no obituary or funeral. We learn about a death during a chance meeting at the grocery store when we ask an acquaintance how their wife is doing only to discover she died months ago, leaving us to offer condolences in the frozen pizza aisle, wishing we had known so we could at least send a card or donation in her name.
Which brings me back to the Tree of Remembrance. We want to remember and honor the memories of the loved ones you have lost by including them on our tree so we can remember them as a community this holiday season.
Please stop by the Marley House chapel, 1063 Ruth Street, on weekdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. or 4 to 6 p.m. through Dec. 14 and write the name of someone you love and a memory or three on the pieces of paper we have there. We have hospice volunteers there who can help you put the links together and add them to the tree. Or join us at 2 p.m. Friday, Dec. 15 as we light up the tree for the first time and remember the people we love and miss this holiday season and always.